


i don't invite the head rush but it follows me

by caricature_of_intimacy



Series: I think I'll die obsessed [3]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Past Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden, Scared Robert Sugden, Supportive Aaron Dingle, Teenagers, Vulnerable Robert Sugden, robert is majorly in denial about his feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2019-03-08 04:09:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13450245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caricature_of_intimacy/pseuds/caricature_of_intimacy
Summary: Robert and Aaron are 17 when they fall in love. Alternatively: Robert's convinced it's a bad idea to fall in love with Aaron, but in the end, he can't help it.





	i don't invite the head rush but it follows me

**Author's Note:**

> This didn't go in the direction I thought it would, but I still had fun with it lol. Thank you for your comments and kudos, they mean the world to me! As always, thank you for reading, and enjoy! xx

"Stay."

It's quiet, barely audible over the blood rushing in his ears.

He hesitates, thinks about the consequences.

He knows Jack will be waiting up for him, knows they have school tomorrow, knows that he really should've been home by now and his dad is probably going to kill him.

He stays.

Aaron cuddles up against him, and his chest aches, and he ignores the alarm in his head saying WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!

He hadn't meant for it to happen, hadn't really thought it through, if he was honest.

But Aaron was soft underneath his tough exterior, letting Robert see parts of him nobody else would even suspect existed. 

And he was supposed to just be a bit of fun, a way for Robert to pass time when life got too dull, but.

But.

But Aaron had kissed Robert like there wasn't anything else in the world he would rather be doing, had healed Robert's bruises with the touch of his hands, had made all the hurt and fear vanish with the brush of his lips against Robert's skin, and despite his best efforts, Robert couldn't help but fall for him.

_Fuck._

Aaron is asleep now, tucked up against Robert's side.

He stares down at Aaron's face, smushed against his chest, mouth open, breathing softly, and something curls around Robert's heart, hopeful and terrified at the same time, whispering the forbidden four letter word.

He shoves the feeling deep down, hides away from himself, tries to pretend like it's still casual, like it doesn't mean anything that he's still here, like there are better places he could be. 

It's getting harder to lie to himself.

Robert can't sleep.

  
  
  
  
  


"Where were you all night?"

Jack Sugden's voice is full of controlled anger, and Robert hasn't been home more than five seconds, the door not even properly shut behind him.

He steadies himself, hands shaking, drops his book bag on the floor, and turns to look his dad in the eyes.

“I slept at a friends house,” he lies.

“Just a friend?” Jack’s tone is accusatory, and Robert freezes, thinks, _shitshitshit, he knows_. Anxiety flares up in his body, hot and unforgiving. He nods slowly.

“Yes, sir.”

His dad stands and he flinches back against the door, squeezes his eyes shut, waits for the inevitable moment he’s been dreading for over two years. 

Jack doesn’t hit him, though.

Instead, he simply says, “Next time, tell me before you decide to stay out all night. I was worried about you.”

Robert watches his dad leave the room, lets out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. 

Jack wasn’t worried about Robert, he was worried about what Robert might have been (was) doing. Robert knows full well what can happen if his dad finds out about Aaron. Jack’s leathered him for his sexuality before, and Robert has no doubt that he’d do it again if he realized it hadn’t been beaten out of him the first time.

Robert will do anything he has to if it means avoiding a repeat of that situation.

Aaron is the only exception to that rule, the only risk important enough to take, the only person worth the consequences.

Robert goes to his room, lies down, stares at his ceiling, and tries not to think about how natural it feels to wake up with Aaron next to him.

  
  
  
  
  


He’s running, feet slamming against the ground, stumbling over rocks and uneven paths, pushing to just get away, away, _away_.

It’s not enough, though.

He’s not fast enough, not strong enough, not far enough, never fucking enough.

Jack catches him, throws him into the dirt, looms over him, and laughs harshly.

“You can run all you want, son, but you’ll never be able to escape your sin!” Jack yells at him, eyes wide and face red, index finger shoved in Robert’s face.

More voices join in suddenly, all of them shouting that he’s not good enough, laughing at him, screaming that he fucked up their family, and he looks around and there they are, Andy and Victoria, even Daz, and, fuck, their _mom_ , all mocking him, telling him how much they hate him, and he can’t take it, presses his hands over his ears, and he’s trying not to cry but it’s all too much, goddammit, because he hates himself enough without his family adding to it, and he feels the panic rising in his chest, his body trembling all over, his breathing ragged and weak, and for a second he thinks he might die like this.

But he wakes up. 

He’s in someone else’s bed, heart pounding and palms sweating, and oh, it’s Aaron’s bed, he realizes, because now he’s aware that Aaron is stroking his hair and speaking to him, trying to calm him down.

“It’s just a dream, okay? I’m here, Rob, it’s alright, everything’s gonna be okay,” Aaron is saying, but he sounds as shaken as Robert feels. 

It was just a dream, sure, but the effects were real, and Robert is trying to take deep breaths, trying to hold on to something, anything, and it just happens to be Aaron that he latches onto, leaning into him and trying desperately to ground himself.

Aaron continues to comfort him, fingers carding gently through his hair, words soft and concerned, and just Aaron’s presence is enough to relax him.

They stay like that for what could be a few minutes or a few hours, seeking security in each other’s hearts, feeling things too heavy, too real for words.

“Go back to sleep, Rob,” Aaron says into his hair. Robert looks up, kisses him softly.

“Thank you,” he says. Aaron almost looks shy as he nods, and Robert wraps his arms around him and settles back in, glancing at the clock on the bedside table. They have another five hours.

He’s not completely sure, but as he’s falling back to sleep, Robert thinks he hears Aaron whisper something, a secret, a confession, a promise.

“I love you.”

But he probably just imagined it.

  
  
  
  
  


They’re sitting on the edge of the bed, and Aaron is watching at Robert carefully.

“I just,” Robert starts, then sighs, glances at the ground, tries to convince himself not to chicken out.

“Like I told you, Rob, ya don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” Aaron reassures him, takes his hand, strokes his thumb, and there are sparks where their skin touches.

“I do want to, it’s just… difficult.”

Aaron understands. He waits patiently.

“It was two years ago,” Robert finally starts. 

He tells Aaron about being fifteen years old, about his first crush on a boy, tells him about how they were in his room, how Jack caught them before anything could really happen. He tells him about how he’d never seen his dad so angry before, how confusing it was, how he hadn’t understood why wanting to kiss another boy was a problem. He tells him exactly how Jack made sure it would never be a problem again.

The whole time, Aaron holds Robert’s hand, silently supporting him as he cries and tells Aaron what he’s never told anyone.

They’re quiet for a few moments. When Robert finally looks at Aaron, he sees shock and anger and sadness in his eyes, knows they’re probably a reflection of his own. He kisses him. It’s a quick brush of their lips, barely anything at all, but it means everything.

“You give me strength, you know that?” Robert says quietly, as if the words might break him if he speaks too loud, and maybe they will, but Aaron gives him one of those rare smiles, the ones only Robert has the privilege of seeing, and he decides it would be worth it.

“Good, that,” is Aaron’s response, and then they’re kissing again, just as soft as before, with just as much meaning, and it spreads throughout Robert’s body, settles in his heart, says, _this is what you were afraid of_. As usual, Robert ignores the ceaselessly growing emotion, refusing to give it the name he knows belongs to it.

It’s dangerous territory and he doesn't think he has it in him to go there, instead tiptoeing around the word uneasily, making every effort to keep it pushed down and locked away. So far, so good.

Robert leans on Aaron’s shoulder, a few stray tears sneaking down his cheeks, and Aaron wraps his arms around Robert and kisses his forehead, and they hold each other until night comes and he has to go back to what’s supposed to be his home.

He doesn’t think about how Aaron is becoming his home.

  
  
  
  
  


Robert’s phone vibrates on his desk, waking him up, and he wants to ignore it, but it vibrates again, then _again_ , so he groans and reluctantly rolls over to see who it is.

His phone informs him that it’s one o’clock in the goddamn morning, and the messages are from Aaron, of course they are, who else would they be from?

_need to speak with you_  
_its important_  
_if youre awake, meet me at the barn_

Robert frowns, suddenly worried. What’s so urgent that Aaron can’t wait to talk to him about it at a more reasonable hour?

Robert doesn’t think twice before he hauls himself out of bed, not bothering to change, simply tugging on a pair of shoes and creeping through the house. He stops to make sure Jack isn’t awake, then slips soundlessly into the night, a million ideas of what Aaron wants to talk to him about running through his mind.

Did Robert do something wrong?  
Is Aaron in some kind of trouble?  
Did someone find out about them?  


Robert absolutely does not feel his throat close up at the question,  


_Does Aaron want to end things?_

  
  
  
  
  


Aaron is pacing nervously when Robert gets to the barn, but he stops when Robert slides the door closed with some effort, a slight bang echoing around them. Their eyes meet, and for a moment, they exist in a whole different universe, one where things are simple and straightforward, and Robert feels something inside him stir, something that says, _oh, there you are_.

Aaron clears his throat. “You came.”

Robert melts at this, his entire body aching at the idea that Aaron thought he might not show, and he crosses the floor to where Aaron is still standing, looking unsure. Robert kisses him, feels every strand of his heart unravel and twist their way around Aaron’s heart, creating their own eternity.

Aaron pulls back from the kiss, leans his forehead against Robert’s, takes a deep breath.

He says, “Let’s leave.”

And, okay, that’s not what Robert was expecting.

“I just got here. Why do you want to go?” He hears the confusion in his own voice, and Aaron chuckles at him, but it’s half past one in the morning, he’s fucking tired, okay? 

Aaron’s next words erase all trace of exhaustion.

“No, Robert. I mean, let’s _leave_. Let’s get the hell out of this village, you and me, let’s drive away and never look back.”

Oh.

Right.

And this. This is insane, isn’t it? Completely, totally crazy. It’s a fucking mental idea, Robert knows it is, knows he should turn Aaron down and they should forget about it completely, except.

Well.

Except Robert thinks that he wants nothing more than to pack a bag and leave this place behind, just him and Aaron against the world, going somewhere nobody knows who they are, somewhere they can be themselves, can be together, won’t have to sneak around and look over their shoulders 24/7, and god, maybe they can finally be fucking _happy_ , and before he realizes it, Robert is agreeing, caught up in a rush of something he can’t even begin to describe.

Aaron is beaming and he’s so beautiful, eyes brighter than the stars as he pulls Robert into a tight hug, and it’s safe and warm and everything they’re running towards, and all Robert can think is, _I am so in love with you_ , and Aaron pulls away, looks at him in wonder, and shit, Robert said that out loud, didn’t he.

Well then. No going back now.

“I’m _so_ in love with you, Aaron, ” he repeats softly, surprised by just how much he means it, how long it’s taken him to admit it, even to himself.

It’s the most amazing thing he’s ever heard when Aaron says, “I’m so in love with you, too, Robert.”

They’re both smiling when their lips meet, and the kiss is a promise, a beginning, a lifetime.

  
  
  
  
  


And five years later, when they return to Emmerdale for the first time since they left with no intention of ever looking back, Robert presses a kiss to his fiancé’s lips, links their fingers together, and faces his past.

They walk through the village side by side, unafraid and unashamed and so, so in love, for everyone to see.

**Author's Note:**

> Right, well, that was that, then! This one kind of got away from me so I hope you guys liked it! Drop a comment or a kudos if you did, and also, let me know if there's a prompt you want me to write for and I'll try my best! xx
> 
> P.S. follow my tumblr androgynouspoetrycollector !!


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